Do you carefully avoid mentioning certain topics to your partner in order to keep the peace? Or are you one of those people who speak your mind directly and end up upsetting those you love?
There is one thing that will make you a Master communicator in every relationship in your life. This is the secret to speaking your mind in a relationship while also conveying your love.
What are you really saying?
I see many clients who notice things in their relationships and partners that they don't like. They then feel the need to speak up, and they do this from the premise that something is not right, and they don't like it. You probably have been at the receiving end of such communications, it is quite common. And it can be quite hurtful.
But before you start doing this, maybe take a moment to ask yourself: what is the energy with which I am speaking right now?
Something is wrong
If you are speaking from negativity (i.e. something is wrong with you, it's upsetting me and I will tell you why you need to change), chances are that your partner will feel attacked and will become defensive or avoidant. Nobody likes negativity directed at them, and our identities are designed to avoid being reminded of such feelings.
In this case, it's a better idea to go away for a little while and sit with your feelings, and accept them. I feel this, and it's ok. I feel it here and there in my body, and I accept them. I also take responsibility for my feelings. These feelings have nothing to do with my partner, apart from the fact that my partner triggered them. I have no need to resist my feelings, or to project them onto the other person. They are mine, and I will deal with them.
We have many amazing tools to support you with this in the Warrior Journey.
Find the love in your heart
The next step is to find the love in your heart.
Most of us are automatically creating stories about others and ourselves, and there's a lot of judgement that comes with that. This judgement clouds the love we could feel in our hearts. If you look at little babies, they ARE love. That's why everybody loves them. But we go through life and have experiences that cause us to create an identity, and it's this identity that wreaks most havoc in relationships. It judges and compares, and blames. This identity is the real reason why our communication doesn't land well, and why we get so upset with each other. In our Warrior Journey series, we go deeply into our identity and we learn how to bypass the knee-jerk reactions we have towards other people and situations in our life. We also learn how to centre ourselves in our hearts so we can be and communicate lovingly with our partners.
Gratitude
For the sake of this article, you can just close your eyes, put both hands on your heart, in the middle of your chest, and think about something or someone you are grateful for. An experience, a person who you love so fully it takes all the rainclouds away in your thinking. Or, if you find that hard, you can be grateful for your life, and the fact that you can see the sun. That you can eat food, and have a roof over your head. This makes you 1% of the world population!
When you have a sense of warmth and love in your heart, you can start sending this to your partner. Thank them for being there for you, and showing you what you still need to heal. Feel your thoughts softening as you allow them to be who they are, and instead focus on the energy inside you. Imagine receiving love from all around you, your colleagues, parents, friends, partner(s), and the universe. Imagine receiving love from yourself. Feel it warming your body and mind.
Now, imagine standing in front of your partner. Thank them for being there, and for showing you what you need to heal. You can be vulnerable and show them how you are feeling. 'When you did ... I felt ...'.
There will be times where that is enough. You can go inwards and use one of the Warrior Journey exercises to heal your pain, and you will find that the situation won't affect you the same way.
At other times, you may need to negotiate. More on this in my next blog.
Contact me
Want more guidance? Contact me directly on +64 21 077 4807 to chat or send me an e-mail at carolinepanesar@soul-direction.com. I am now offering free half hour sessions to determine if, and how, we can work together. Zoom sessions available.
For more information about how to heal what is underlying negative communication in partnerships, go to https://www.soul-direction.com/warrior-journey.
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